pS63 



s 



■Zf /;2r^3 




HoUinger Corp. 



ORIGINAL TEMPERANCE DRAMA. 

A Practical^ Serio-Comic and SGnsational Play! 



-ENTITLED: 



BICK SHAW, THE FIEID, 



O K THE 



Rev. preacher-doctor ! 



-IN FIVE ACTS.- 



Aad Several Pathetic, Comic, Soul-Harrowiug and Seusational 

Tableaux. 

B Y 



SIMON M. LAHDIS, M. D., D. D. 

Author of Numerous Medical, Physiological, Phrenological, Psychological, Theological, 

Neurological, Hygienic and Dramatic Works; Besides, Sundiy Essays, Periodicals 

and Promiscuous Publications too Numerous to Mention. All of Which 

Have Had Large Circulation Among The Thinking Minds. 



(^.;;)L 37 '88;: 
PRINTED, BUT NQT PUBLISHED. 

By The Owner, Mrs. Edna Powell Lajjdis, at No. 312 Woodward Avenue, 
DETROIT, MICHIGAN, U. S. A. 

1888. 



Our Motive For Producing Theatrical Plays I 

We claim that the Stage is the only proper and effectual place to bring about a speedy 
education of the masses of the people; although the person who endeavors to inaugurate 
this reform must make up his mind to be well nigh annihilated for his audacity in attempt- 
ing such a movement ! The veiy people who have from time immemorial been slandered 
by the pharisees for being actors are the worst to decry the innovator as being a crank and 
lunatic for his foolhardiness. Successful Managers stand aghast and will not tackle an 
instructive play; they prefer to trot over long established ruts, until some "fool" forces 
them to open their stultified senses. God pity the slothfulness of such drones ! S. M. L. 



TSi3i 



>1 



>^^^ 



2 Has The "PUBLIC PRESS" ever ESTEEMED Dk. LANDIS as an ACTOR ? 

Notices by The PRESS, with Dates, See Files of Same. 

We don't know what to think of it, hut it's on the record that Dr. Landis' tragic imperso- 
nations attract enthusiastic and large audiences, while those tragedians who are not doctors 
meet with but poor returns. — N. Y. Clipper, May 12. 1877. 

Booth nor McCullough can't compare with Dr. Landis. — Pittsburg Gazette, Sept. 1. 1877. 

To be appreciated he must be seen. — Pittsburg Dispatch, Sept. 1. 1877. 

The most versatile of living actors. — Philadelphia Sunday Dispatch, June 21. 1877. 

His Richard III. is the wonder of the modern stage. — Pittsburg Chronicle, August 30. 1877. 

He has given some of the most original acting ever gazed upon. — Pittsburg Gazette, Au. 20.77 

Dr. Landis is undoubtedly the veriest original tragedian now on the stage. When he says 
"Conversation" his voice runs the gamut up and down about twice, and he manages to give a 
corresponding sinuous motion to his whole body, as if the word started from his feet and 
traveled through his entire anatomy before it was finally uttered. — Cincin'i Gaz'te. Dec. 11. '77. 

Garrick, Kemble, Kean, Macready, Forrest, Davenport, B(Wth never, in the zenith of their 
power, acted as he does, and couldn't had they tried. Dr. Landis' style is peculiarly his own; 
he is no base copyist, following servilely In the footsteps of greatness. — Cin. Enq. Dec. 10. '77. 

In fierce, impassioned acting he has certainly no equal. — Taggart's Phila. Times, Ap. 22. '77 

Never in the history of the writer has it been his pleasure to observe such a truthful por- 
trayal of nature. The elder Booth and Forrest are no comparison to Dr. Landis. — Providence 
Telegram, R. I., November 4. 1877. 

Dr. Landis' style is his own; he copies no one. If his acting is liked, he deserves credit, 
if not, he is responsible for it. He possesses a good voice for tragedy. People should give 
his entertainment a visit and judge for themselves. — Boston Po.st, Oct. 16. 1877. 

Barry Sullivan's famous original readings are eclipsed and pale into nothingness along side 
of Dr. Landis' immense strides away from the conventionality, and traditions of the stage. 
Landis stands alone, unique and wrapped in the mantle of his own originality. — Boston 
Globe, October 17. 1877. 

The audience, which has been swayed like leaves in the wind by the doctor's powerful 
acting, felt inexpressibly relieved, when the tragedian wjis slain. It was simply immense; 
no words can describe it. — Boston Herald, October 23. 1877. 

All who have seen Landis as the cruel Gloster, unite in saying that they have never seen his 
like before and do not expect to see anything at all comparable to it again in this world. — 
Philadelphia Sunday Dispatch. 

His conception and execution of Richard III. were entirely original and far beyond the 
comprehension of groundlings. His support was not ndequate to the requirements of the 
great work, yet he stood out in bold relief — competent to play the great work alone if neces- 
sary. — Northern Budget, Troy, N. Y., February 25. 1877. 

Dr. Landis, without doubt, is the most extraordinary and unparalleled tragedian that ever 
figured on any boards. — Washington, D. C, Herald, May 27. 1877. 

Richard III. — Dr. Landis' present engagement has been a perfect ovation, and the largest 
audiences ever seen in any of our theaters have filled the house this week. — Wash. Critic, May 31 

Dr. Landis is the greatest tragedian living; he has no equal. — Washington Capital, June 21. 77. 

To MANAGERS of ENTERPRISE and SNAP. 

A few words to Sensible Managers, and others who would like to become rich and learn the 
secret of progressive work, in the theatrical line. No one will deny, who is familiar with my 
history, that I have always conquered my enemies and succeeded m making money, where 
others have failed, desponded and died; moreover, I have never paid a cent, nor toadied to 
critics, for newspaper notices; but you can see that I make them talk, and in such a manner as 
to minister to my credit. Ha ! ha ! All ye who are wise in your own conceit, while you usurp 
to yourselves the august wisdom to laugh at me, I am tiuietly at work to utilize you as kind- 
ling wood to build up my fires so as to further use you to advance the grand cause of humanity; 
the fun of it all is, that you think that I am not an actor ! But let the reader decide that 
question; while I am looking up the fac simile of myself as fearless financial manager. 

To CAPITALISTS who ore Advocates of TEMPERANCE. 

OUR PROJECTED PHYSIOLOGICAL TEMPLE! 

We want to make the acquaintance of Philanthropic and Enterprising Capitalists for the 
purpose of building our projected "Physiological Temple," which will have 24 departments; 
be the wonder of the world; pay 25 per cent on investment; save 50 per cent to its patrons; 
contain many novelties secured by patents, trade-marks and copyrights. 

The most important departments will be: — The Scientific Church; Reformatory Theater, 
where our many practical, new {)lays will be brought out, etc. ; Newspaper, Printing and 
Publshing Departments. Address, S. M. Landis. M. D. 312 Woodward-av., Detroit, Mich. 

TMP96-0071A3 



SYNOPSIS OF PLAY. 



First- Class 
THEATRICAL 




I, hereby, Recommend Dr. S. M. LANDIS, with whom I have been acquainted for ten or 
twelve years, and who has Played for me to crowded houses, and Lectured in my Grand Opera 
House, and I Esteem him a most able Author and Versatile and Attractive 
Actor. His New Temperance Sensation will undoubtedly catch all cla.'sses of people. 
Detroit, Mich. Apr. 18. 1888. CHAS. O. WHITE, Grand Opera House. 




ynopsis of Dick Shaw^ Ths Fiend^ or PrgacIier-Doctoi\ 



ACT L 

Scene 1. — Palace of Mr. Pert Force, the millionaire. Miss Sallie Force, tempts, her be- 
trothed, Mr. Sam Pool, with the tirst taste of grape wine, which instanter runs him to ruin ! 
She makes her .soul-stirring appeal to heaven ! Sharp rebuke by Madam Willard, President 
of the AYoman's Christi^iu Temperance Union. Dick Shavv^'s cause in the ascendency. Tablea'.i. 

Scene 2. — Wm. Cuttle, the "Innocent Philosopher," harangueing the Fiend's Bums. 
Threats of hanging Cuttle. Sam Pool now the confederate of Dick Shaw, and iow drunkard 

Scene 3. — Grand Reception and Feast of the Woman's Christian Temperance Union at Mr. 
Force's palace. Wm. Cuttle, the spokesman, makes his lady-love. Mad. Willard, tlery mad, 
by his "innocent philosophy" and slips of his Yankee tongue. Rev. Preacher-Doctor refusing 
to say grace at the table over di.shes that create the appetite for rum, causes a sensation within; 
and without a howling Dick Shaw mob is clamoring for admission ! Wm. Cuttle also gets t»>o 
much liquor on board, and he, Sam Pool and Pert Force, literally walk on the "W. C.T. U's. 
feasting table. Tableau. 

ACT II. 

Scene 1. — Rev. Preacher-Doctor, by his eloquent reformatory logic, comfoits and wins the 
love of Miss Sallie Force. Mr. Pert Force, in a moment of passion, while intoxicated, strikes 
his only child. Miss Sallie, who foibids him to leave home to join Dick Shaw's bums. Ter- 
rific scene between father ;ind daughter. Enter, Rev. Preacher-Doctor, who cures Miss Sallie 
Force's bruises, both of body and .sou! I AYm. Cuttle intrudes his "innocent philosophy." 
Rev. P. -D., defining Philosophy and Love to Miss Sallie. Diver, announces, Dick Shav^', 
Sam Pool and Bums. Sudden withdrav.'al of the lovers. 

Scene 2. — Bar Room. Diver and Dutch Kancy in Specialties, and appearance of the Rev. 
Preacher-Doctor and Miss Sallie, in search of Mr. Force. Exit Miss Sallie, when Rev. P.-l). 
is transformed, before the audience, into Dick Shaw. Fire, fury, death and confusion. Tab. 

Scene 3. — Chamber of the Fiend's Gang. Dick Shaw and Sam Pool on tlie track of Mi.ss 
S. Terrific threats, and conspiracy to possess Miss S. Force's love or dive in blood to his neck. 

Scene 4. — Sam Pool in disguise on his way to Miss Force's home on behalf of Dick Shaw. 

Scene 5. — Sam Pool's entrance into Miss F's parlors; makes love to Dutch Nancy, who 
screams and brings Dick to the rescue. Dick wants her himself . Change to Rev. P.-D. Tab. 

ACT III. 

Scene 1. — The two millionaire drunkards, (Force and Pool,) conspire against the W. C. T. U. 
Miss F. banishes them from the house. Rev. P. -D. rescues Miss F. from the riotous Bums. Tab. 

Scene 2. — Mad. Willard, tongue-lashes Cuttle, her lover, for rum debauches. He retorts 
by asserting that the W. C. T. U. are to blame by their rum-bottic-thirst-crealing spices and 
damn salt herring food; claiming that they are just as great slaves to their condiments, daintii's 
and rum-thirst-creating seasonings, as he is to rum. Cuttle plans Dick Shaw's death. Tab. 

ACT IV. 

Scene 1. — Dick Shaw torturing Miss Sallie Force in her own home. Terrific struggle 1 
Sam Pool rescues her and promises to save herself and father from death by Dick. Tjiblcau. 

Scene 2. — Diver and Dutch Nancy in specialties, closing with fight by Shaw's Bums. Tab. 

Scene 3. — Dick Shaw and Sam Pool after Mr. Force; murder him and funeral procession. 

Scene 4. — Miss Force and Sam Pool planning to kill Dick. Shaw's terrific curse of Cuttle. 
Pool's treachery; while Sallie stabs Shaw to death. Soul-harrowing death struggle! Tableau. 

ACT V. 

Scene 1. — Miss Force's Parlor. Grand Singing. The New Order of Things ! Sam Pool 
fully refonned, but lost his former betrothed by his profligacy. The Lovers. Happy Ending 
Grand Tableau ! THE END. 



4 CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

Dick Shaw, The Fiend, or The Rev. Preacher-Doctor. 

A Fieiy, Serio-Comic and Bloodiest Tragedy, in Five Acts and Several Pathetic, Comic 
and Sensational Tableaux. Moreover, this play is original and highly instructive. It has 
been written, enlarged and arranged by SIMON M. LANDIS, M. D., D. D., with the original 
Dick Shaw preserved, whose counterpart by the dignified Preacher-Doctor will make a picture 
of gigantic proportions, which even the most incompetent critic can discern. 

The Costumes are Modern. The Stage-Settings are found in every First-Class Theater, 
and it will most Positively Not be produced in any other. 
C^^ Legitimate communications should be addressed to. Dr. S. M. Landis, 312 Woodward 
Avenue, Detroit, Michigan. 

CAST (and Qualifications) OF CHARACTERS. 
DICK SHAW, The Fiend, ) Marvelous change before the audi- j DR. S. M. LANDIS. 
Rev. PREACHER-DOCTOR, ( ence, without removing a garment. ( Also the Author. 
SAM POOL, . . — First-Class, Leading Comedian. — 

A gentleman, drunkard, loafer, confederate of Dick Shaw and a truly reformed man. 
WILLIAM CUTTLE, . —Eccentric Comedian.— 

An eccentric Yankee and "innocent phlosopher," in love with Mad. Willard. 
PERT FORCE, . . —Dignified Comedian.— 

Indulgent father of Miss Sallie Force, millionaire, drunkard and chum of Sam Pool. 
HARRY DIVER, . —Specialist and Comic Singer.— 

Servant to Mr. and Miss Force, bar-tender, etc., and in love with Dutch Nancy. 
LEADER of GxVNG, . —Heavy Villain and Specialist.— 
Miss SALLIE FORCE, —Star, Versatile Tragedienne- 

Persecuted by Dick Shaw, in love with Rev. Preacher-Doctor. 
Mad. WILLARD, . — Strong-Minded Woman.— 

President of the Woman's Christian Temperance Union, in love with Wm. Cuttle. 
DUTCH NANCY, — Specialist, German Comedienne and Vocalist. — 

Miss Sallie Force's servant, in love with Harry Diver. 
Mii3S ORTHODOX, ..... 

Secretary and Director of the Woman's Christian Temperance Union, in love with L. of G. 
Supernumeraries. — In citizens dress; not less than six ladies and twelve men — Bums. 
The 10 speaking characters must have good voices and be fair singers. 

"eesolutiohs of thanks ! 

At a meeting, Monday Eveiiing, May 7. 1888, the "Order of Naturalists" passed the 
following Resolutions: 

We hereby unanimously thank Dr. Landis for having read, in fine dramatic style, his new 
TEMPERANCE PLAY, and we deem it the grandest lesson and most interesting production 
that has ever been presented to an intelligent public. 

The audience, although uncomfortably crowded, was of that class of people who could ap- 
preciate the drama, Avhich is above the conception of groundlings, and the ladies and gentlemen 
present expressed themselves as being highly entertained and instructed. Therefore: 

Resolved, that we solicit Dr. Landis to repeat the same next Sunday evening. May 13. 

Resolved, that the Temperance People would act wisely by putting three or four compa- 
nies on the road next season, as the theater should and would be, by producing such plays, the 
most effectual instructor. 

Resolved, that we are convinced that Theatrical Managers could make more money by 
producing this Temperance Tragedy than by any thing else. 

Resolved, that we know Dr. S. M. Landis to be equal to any Author or Actor now living 
notwithstanding the false statements of the newspapers. 

Resolved, that we solicit the people to look into this important matter for themselves, and 
not be misled by the press; because, too many persons are kept in bondage to ignorance by 
believing what incompetent and unprincipled editors and reporters print. 

Resoived, that we honor Dr. Landis for his indomitable energy, youthful buoyancy, plain 
healthful habits of life, scientific profundity and powerful work in the grandest Reform on earth. 

Resolved, that it is too late in the day of scientific progress to misrepresent and persecute 
our most able and useful reformers ! 

Miss MATTIE VanRENSSELAER, Secretary. THOS. STODD, President. 



[Copyrighted, in the U. S. A., 1888, by Db. S. M. LANDIS. All Rights Reserved.] 



DICK SHAW, or, The PRBACHER-DPCTOR! 



ACT 

SCENE 1.— Mr. Pert Force's Parlors, in 3i 
or 4, Miss Sallie Force, Sam Pool, Diver, | 
Nancy, Mad. Willard and Wm. Cuttle. i 

Nancy. — (Arranges parlor.) I wash bin in dis i 
country sex mons, und I can spok de English | 
goode. Miss Sallie wash one swete laty, bud I 
dat Misder Bool, her loffer, I does nod likes ; 
me much! He wash too brout und nice. Such I 
peobles don'd do much goode wery long. ; 
(Bell rings.) Dere goes dem pell once agane, \ 
und I vill bet me, id wash dat Mr. Sam Bool. I 
(Drinks all the wine.) Dis wash goode. I \ill \ 
bring de broud millonaire into dis barlor. Ha ! 
ha! got in himmel ! I vill make mine beaus go | 
to de door. (Rings for Diver and sits at table.) I 
[Enter Diver.] 1 

Diver. — At your service madam. 

N. — Ha ! ha! Dat wash fine 

D. — Oh ! You sAveet rascal, what are you 
doing in the mistress' chair? 

N. — (Mad.) None of your pisiness. 

D. — 0, ho! what a long tail our cat has got. 

N. — You wash one naughty poy; I vants 
you to answer de door pell. (Rings again.) 

D. — Give me a kiss and I will 

N. — (Slaps his face.) Dhere 

D. — Yes here; but I'll go. 

N. — Dis is nice, do half mine masher avait- 
in' on mineself. 

[Enter Sam Pool and Diver.] 

Dake Mr. Bool's hat und dells Miss Force 
dat dis chendlemaus wash here. 

Sam Pool.— Young woman, you are right 
good at commanding, wouldn't you better 
wait on your mistress yourself? 

N. — (Aside.) Wouldn'd I bedter vait on 
mine misdress mineself? Dis fellor vill yed 
dieonetrunkard. (To him.) Yaw, I vill. (Exit 
[Enter Sallie Force.] 

Sallie F. — Good morning, ray dear Samuel. 

S. P. — Very good morning. I am charmed 
with your ruddy looks and exquisite manners. 
How is your excellent father, and how do 
things move around you? 

S. F. — Fine Sir. But I have been very busy 
this week making grape wine 

S. P. — Do you make it yourself? A million- 
aire's daughter 

S. F. — (Laughing.) Ha! ha, with a handsome 
millionaire lover, would not need to make 
grape wine herself ! Ha! ha, isn't that what 
you were going to say ? But I'll show you 

what a useful housekeeper I am 

S. P. — In knowing how to make grape 
wine. Ha! ha! 



I. 



S. F. — Ha! ha! Yes, indeed! Father is very 
fond of it; and I'll send for some and you can 
see how fine it is (Rings for Nancy.) 

S. P. — I am no judge. 

S. F. — I'll make you one. (Lovingly.) 
[Enter Nancy.] 

N. — Ad your serwis madam. 

S. F.— Tell Diver to fill this bottle with my 
new grape wine, and bring it to us. Now my 
dear Samuel, you must be good enough to 
praise my work and appreciate my good taste. 

8. P. — Certainly, sweet one, I do; and will 
1 try and merit your great worth ! 

[Enter Diver with wine.] 

D. — Here is the finest product of the grape. 

S. P. — It does look fine 

S. F. — Ha! ha! (Pours out and drinks,) and 
it tastes equally fine! Here my dear Samuel, 
taste it 

S. P. — (Hesitates.) If you will excuse me, 
darling pet, (Sighs,) I'd rather not touch it; 
because, I have promised my beloved mother 
on her dying bed, never to touch or taste 
liquor of any kind, as my father died a drunk- 
ard ! (Acts desponding.) 

S. F. — (Pets him.) Yes, dear, you had a 
good mother, so had I, but they are in heaven ! 

S. P. — (Arouses.) But come precious one, we 
will not brood over what is the will of a high- 
er power ! 

S. F. — (Recovers.) You are right; but wont 
you, to please me, simply taste what I have 
made? As I was working on it, I continually 
thought of you; thinking how we would enjoy 
ourselves together while enlivening the droop- 
ing spirits by this elixir of life ! ^"ou know 
our Saviour turned water into wine, and the 
churches use it at their communion table, why 
then should you refuse to imitate those who 
save our souls? 

S. P.— Sure enough; here goes my first taste. 
(Smacks his lips.) It is fine! Give iue another. 

S. F.— Ha! ha! I thought so! (Fills again.) 

S. P. — Grand, and I feel like a new man ! 
Ha! ha! give me an-another 

S. F. — No sir, that's enough for a beginning. 

S. P. — Do y-you think so? 

S. F.— Yes, there's where many people make 
their mistakes, not knowing when and where 
to stop ! 

S. P. — Just s-so-o, hie, but my love for you 
is inc-creasin-g damn ra-rapidly. (Acts lively.) 

S. F.— Mr. Pool, I am astonished at you 

S. P.— Are you-u? Hie, ha, ha! (Hugs her.) 
S. F. — This is really nice ! But your slang 
i expressions I dislike very much 



ACT I. 



S. P. — Wine and love, hie, are very es-ex- \ 
hilarating! (Pours out more wine.) 

S. F^Takes tumbler from him.) No more, j 
my dear j 

S. P.— (Swallows from bottle.) Fi-ine, hie, i 
damn fin-e-e ! (Exits drunk !) i 

S. F. — Great Father, I have made a mistake! i 
(Looks after him and turns pale!) Powers of : 
heaven, I have made a drunkard of my be- i 
loved ! my betrothed ! O, Oh! God, my soul I 
is on fire ! Am I really awake and has this I 
happened or is it a phantom of hades? Powers j 
of heaven, have I planted debauchery in the I 
soul of my own darling, betrothed husband?; 
(Raves!) Avaunt! thou demon of degradation! ! 
(Screams !) I see the gates of hell open before : 
my senses! Am I also intoxicated? or is this \ 
the torture of a guilty conscience for ha\ing i 
tempted, even by using Christian arguments, i 
my beloved, good, pure, noble darling to take \ 
his first drink of this infernal stuff ! What ; 
can I do to redeem him? What shall I do to j 
be forgiven for this crime? O, Oh! heaven ! i 
The noble j'oung soul (Weeps hysterically) has ; 
sacredly kept his dying mother's advice, un- \ 
til I proved the serpent to ravish him of his i 
purity, virtue and manhood! God, O, God! i 
(Kneels!) on my bended knees I plead for par- ; 
don and power to redeem him ! And O Father ; 
in heaven, if I may be forgiven, I solemnly ; 
promise by the sacred memory of my beloved ■ 
mother, that I will never more handle intoxi- : 
eating liquors ! And I will devote my life,; 
money and strength to the Temperance Cause, j 
and will deprive and deny myself of all luxu- ; 
ries, pleasures and gaieties on behalf of fallen 
and debauched humanity ! This do I solemnly 
swear in the presence of Thy Spirit, and if 
Thou wilt grant my humble supplication, 
I shall devoutly prove to be Thy faithful 
servant until death ! In humility, most peni- 
tently do I submit myself to Thy care, O 
Father of mercies! So be it! (Rises.) 

[Enter Wm. Cuttle and Mad. Willard !] 

Wm. Cuttle. — Miss Sallie, allow me to pre- 
sent. Madam Willard. 

S. F. — Be seated, dear madam. Glad to see 
you, Mr. Cuttle! (Livens up!) You have just 
come at the right time, for I feel sad this 
morning ! 

Mad. Willard. — I really think you have 
cause by sipping at this bottle 

Wm. Cuttle. — My dear, don't blame Miss 
Sallie for doing what has been a custom, in 
good society, from time immemorial 

M. W. — Then it is necessaiy to change such 
customs! Miss Sallie is a member of the Young 
Woman's Christian Temperance Union, who 
are opposed to rum and tobacco, while our 
older Woman's Christian Temperance Union, 
is only opposed to drinking, manufacturing 
and 'selling intoxicating fluicts 

S. F. — Truly, we don't know who to please, 
in this perverse generation! But I am very 
sorry that I have offended you ! (Weeps !) I am 
alone in this world, except dear father, and it 
is to please him that I have made this plain 
grape wine 



W. C. — Never mind, we are not offended; 
we think too much of you to be hurt ! Isn't 
that so my love? (To madam W.) 

M. W. — Well, yes, but I am a deadly foe to 
wine in any form or at any place ! 

S. F.— (Indignant !) What about Christ 
turning water into wine? and you saints us- 
ing it at your holy communion? 

W. C. — Ah! My dear, she is paying you off 
with your own customs 

M. W.— Silence, Mr. Cuttle! 
[Enter Pert Force and S. Pool, drunk.] 

Pert Force. — Hurrah ! Hurrah ! for Dick 
Shaw! (Sloppers over Sam Pool, they fall and 
rise, &c.) 

S. p. — Hu-hur-rah-rah for, hie, Sal-Sal-lie's 
gra-gra-pe-pe wine, hur-rah-ra! (Fall on tabic.) 
Tableau. 

SCENE 2.— Street Scene, in 1, Dick Shaw's 
Gang, the rear brought up by Pert Force, S. 
Pool and Wm. Cuttle; drunken and noisy ! 



Pert Force. — Say, you Bums, hie, why are 
you making such a noise; can't j-ou be decent? 
You are all drunk, hie! 
S. P. — Damned if they aren't, hie. (Fight.) 
W. C. — (Interferes.) Gentlemen, hear me ! 
S. P. — Ye-yes, hear him, for he is, hie, the 
drunkenest, bloomenest bum of this crowd of 
gen -gentlemen! 
W. C. — Yes, hearm-me! I-I am an inncxient 

philosopher and temprance advocate 

Bums. — (Boisterous.) Ha! ha! he is a tem- 
prance 

Leader of Gang. — Boys let's hang him. 
I P. F. — N-no, hie, let's hear the criminal be- 
; before we hang-g him ! 
; Bums. — Let him speak quick ! 
I W. C. — Are you friends or fiends to human- 

: L. ofG. — We are the followers of Dick 
; Shaw! Three cheers and a lion for Dick Shaw! 
i Bums. — Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah for Dick 
I Shaw! Humph! (Groan of contempt.) 

I W. C. — I am not a temperance man; that is, 

I I don't belong to any society, but I have some 
I idea of doing so soon 

; L. ofG. — Because you are spoony on old 
I Madam Willard, who is an old hypocrite! 
; That woman will uphold any person or cause 
I that has the money! Ha! Ha! 
I Bums. — Ha! ha! ha! 

i W. C. — You are a low set of beasts and my 
innocent philosophy reminds me of my duty. 
I L. of G. — And what is that duty? 
1 S. P. — Say, you chums, let's go and get a 
I drink ! 

I P. F. — Y-yes, let's get several drinks, I 
j have plenty of money! 

I Bums. — (Dance, then exit yelling.) Hurrah! 
i Hurrah! Hurrah for Dick Shaw! 



ACT I. and II. 



SCENE 3.— Pert Force's Parlors, Grand 
Reception of the Woman's Christian Temper- 
ance Union. Madam Willard, presiding at 
the feast. Rev. Preacher-Doctor and eUte and i 
elect present; all discovered ! j 
I 

Wm. Cuttle. — Beloved Friends: As I have i 
been chosen to show my innocent philosophy 1 
to you this evening, on behalf of the old Wo- ; 
man's Christian Temperance Union; (Looks at | 
Mad. Willard,) no I don't mean old women — i 

Mad. W. — No, I guess not ! 

W. C— I mean the oldest W. C. T. Union; i 
I say this not disrespectfully by a damn, a-a i 
durn side; but to distinguish it from the Young '< 
W. C. T. U. The latter spread a little further i 
than the old institution j 

P. F.— (Half drunk.) Explain yourself, Mr. i 
Philos-losopher; I mean, Mr. Cuttle ! ; 

W. C. — The young Gals are opposed to rum i 
and smoking and siaitting tobacco. ■ 

Mad. W. — Please, friend Cuttle, don't be so ; 
vulgar! 

Preacher-Doctor. — Pardon me, but Mr. Cut- \ 
tie evidently believes in using plain, unmis- 
takeable language, and I hope he will be 
allowed to linish without further interruption! 

Guests. — Hear, hear! 

W, C. — In conclusion, allow me to assert, 
philosophically, that the old Gals are only 
opposed to rum drinking, but believe in good 
feeding, and I endorse their good sense, and a 
tine segar, after providing the inner man with 
the dainties of the season, tastes luxurious! 

S. F. — Science, good sense, normal taste, 
refined feelings and cleanliness are against 
filthy, acrid, poisonous tobacco in any form. 

P. F. — (Aside.) This is getting too damned 
hot and I think I will withdraw for a spell. 

Mad. W. — Ladies and Gentlemen, our re- 
past is now ready, will you be seated. The 
Rev. Preacher-Doctor will take this place. 
(Points to her left side.) 

Diver and Nancy — (wait on table.) 

S. F. — (Seated opposite to P.-D.) Where is 
father? 

W. C. — (Jealous.) He has gone out a few 
minutes since, I will go and call him. (Exit.) 

Mad. W.— Will the Rev. Brother, please, 
ask a blessing ! 

Rev. P.-D. — (Rising.) Friends, conscienti- 
ously, I cannot ask God to bless what He has 
condemned under the physiological law ! I 
behold before me many unhealtlif ul and chem- 
ical-thirst-creating dishes, spices, condiments 
and rich eatables; all of which produce an 
insatiate appetite for rum and tobacco ! While 
I respect the noble sisters of the Woman's 
Christian Temperance Union, I nevertheless, 
as a scientist of body and soul, cannot overlook 
the cause of this rum evil ! Yes, my dear, 
ladies, you are the ones who feed us poor 
Adams upon medicated food, which causes an 
internal itching, and nothing but liquors can 
allay such sensations! Like old mother Eve, 
in Eden, you entwine yourselves around us 
with your artificial eatables, and we become 
the victims of a craving for rum t hat only a 



I few can resist! Then you run to the Legisla- 
tures and induce those equally ignorant sinners 
of the cause of this evil, to make Prohibition 
and High License Laws, to prevent drunken- 
ness ! I would be ashamed of myself, in this 
Telephone age, to create the appetite for an 
evil, then appeal to co-sinners for the enforce- 
ment of absurd, unconstitutional and tyranni- 
cal laws, which have no place in God's grand 
vocabulary of nature ! My dear sisters, it is 
youi-selves who need reform in your kitchens 
and dining-rooms, when your children, sons, 
brothers, sisters, husbands and fathers wont 
relish the intoxicating stuff, hence, the cure for 
drunkenness would be a dead certainty ! Join 
us then in our radical health reform of body 
and soul, and become Naturalists ! 
(Great noise without; yelling for Dick Shaw.) 
Bums. — Hurrah! Hurrah for Dick Shaw' 

[Enter W. C. with P. F. and S. P., drunk; 
Cuttle having only a little.] 

S. P. &P. F.— (Yell.)Hu-hurrah! rah! for 
Di-ick Sha-aw, hie! 

Guests. — (All jump up horrified.) 

S. F.— (Runs to P.-D.) Oh! protect us! 

Rev. P.-D. — Gentlemen, especially j'ou Mr. 
Cuttle, please behave as becometh holiness! 

S. P. — Ho-ho-holey hell! Hie, hie; you-u-u 
damn tem-temprance pe-pe-people pre-preach 
one thing a-and pra-practice a-another! 

W. C. — That's so! You wont let a man 
drink, smoke nor chew his cud. 

Mad. W. — Mr. Cuttle you are again found 
in bad company! Aren't you ashamed of 
3'ourself to break your word so soon? 

P. F. — Mad. Willard wha-at do you mean? 
Jealous and dis-sappointed old ma-aids a-are 
always imag-gining themselves pu-purer than 
others. Yes, hie. Cut-cuttle, buck u-up to tlie 
old h-hen, then you are in g-good company! 

Mad. W. — Mr. Force if you were sober you 
would not insult me in that manner! 

P. F. — (Mad and sarcastic to boys.) S-s-say, 
boys, w-what is your opinion of Cuttle's o-old 
hen? Ha! ha! hie, wonts-she, ha, ha, hen-peck 
poor Wil-willie when she gets him under, hie, 
her rusty fea-feathers! ha!"ha! 

S. P.— Ha! ha! you bet, hie! 

P.-D. — Gentlemen, please either keep quiet 
and be seated or withdraw 

S. P. — This rival lover of mine, hie, wants 
the coast cleared for himself, hie, ha! ha! he 
is a free-lover and re-reformer! Ha! ha! hie. 

P. F. &W. C— Ha! ha! ha! Fine, damn fine! 

S. F. — Father, please remember that these 
ladies are our guests? 

P. F.— Damn the la-la-(Turus to boys) lad- 
laddies for making such a noise. Damn y-you 
philosopher, wont you be quiet? 

W. C. — I am not saying or doing anything. 

P. F. — You daren't when your'e hen-pecker 
is about, hie, ha! ha! (Points to Mad.W.) 

S. P. — Let's do something 

P. F. — Yes, let's wa-walk on this tempe-e- 
rancefe-f east ! 

S. P. — Come o-on. (They literally walk on 
table, tilt it over, fall.) Taj)lcau. 



ACT II. 



ACT II. 

SCENE 1. — Pert Force's Library, in 2, Miss 
Sallie Force, Pert Force, Rev. Preacher-Doc- 
tor, Wm. Cuttle and Diver. ]\Iiss & Mr. Force 
discovered. i 
o 

P. F. — (Gloomy and sober.) Yes, my pet, it i 
is sad to see Sam Pool running to ruin with i 
Dick Shaw, and his money is all gone, while i 
he is a physical wreck. i 

S. F. — (Weeping.) I fear that I have been the ; 
cause of his ruin! j 

P. F.— How so? i 

S. F. — Because I have urged him to take his ; 
tirst drink of grape wine which I have made : 
for you I 

P. F. — (Uneasy.) Yes, yes, but let us not | 
talk about that any more. I have some very \ 
pressing business engagement at nine o'clock, i 
and it is now near that hour, and I must go; ; 
give me my hat and coat. 

S. F. — Oh! dear, dear father please don't go ; 
out to-night and leave me alone. (Holds on to i 
him and pleads.) Why, will you leave me? ; 
Don't you love me? Am I not worthj' of your 1 
love and company? 1 

P. F. — (Nervous, indignant, impatient.) 1 
Yes, yes, of course, of course, but j"0u women ; 
don't know anything of the workings of the 1 
inner business-man! (Dashes her off.) I must ; 
go, so obey me and let me go; you have Nancy 
and Diver in the house? 

S. F. — (Indignant, tragic and violent, runs 
before him to the door.) You shall not go. 
You only want get out to join Sam Pool, 
Dick Shaw and the rough drunkards, and 
spend your money in the saloons, then come 
home intoxicated and abuse me. 

P. F. — How dare you talk to your indul- 
gent father in that manner? (Angry.) Haven't 
I always given you liberty to do as you please, 
and now you want to deprive me of mine? 
(Tears her away from the door.) Come, I am 
going 

8. F. — (Holds on to him, while he drags her 
around the room in terrible force !) No, by the 
powers of heaven and hell you shall not con- 
quer me, unless it is over my dead body ! 

P. F. — Do you little chit think that you can 
conquer jie? (Drags and throws her.) I will 
go or die. 

S. F. — (Screams.) Father, father, father ! 
Mother, mother, mother look down from 
heaven and aid your heart-broken child ! 

P. F. — No, she will not help you, but I will 
(Dashes her on floor.) Thank God, free again! 

[Enter Rev. Preacher-Doctor.] 

Rev. P.-D. — Great father, what has hap- 
pened? But I can surmise; rum and the con- 
sequent ruin are evidently the cause! Miss 
Force, arouse! Aren't she beautiful; purity, 
innocence and divine womanhood sit on her 
brow! (Raises hgr.) Awake to glory, my 



dearly beloved child of nature? (Embraces her) 

S. F. — (Opens her eyes.) Oh! Hori'or, horror! 

Rev. P.-D. — No, no, think of more serene 
things ! 

S, F. — Doctor, is it you? 

Rev. P.-D. — Yes, and I have arrived just in 
time to rescue and save you 

S. F.— O, doit, doit! 

Rev. P.-D. — I will, without the shadow of a 
doubt ! 

S. F.— Thanks! Millions of thanks! I feel 
better now 

Rev. P.-D. — Trust in heaven and my hum- 
ble self, and I vrill see to you and stand by you 
like a father in the future. So cheer up and 
forget the past ! 

S. F. — I need a father like you, because 
my (Weeps) I can't speak. 

Rev. P.-D. — Don't, I can understand the 
; entire surroundings. I saw your father, Sam 
! Pool and Dick Shaw together as I entered 
I your house. 
i S. F.— O, heaven! 
; Rev. P.-D. — Be wise, my child, and take 

j my advice 

\ S. F.— I will, I will ! 
i Rev. P.-D. — In the first place, your duty to 
\ yourself must take precedence to all other's 
i weal, who are beyond the control of man ! 
; Still, I will do all I can to redeem your father, 
I Sam Pool, Wm. Cuttle and others; but that 
; Fiend, Dick Shaw, no man can tackle! He is 
\ bej'ond the reach or control of lavr, except the 
i law of death ! 

; [Enter Wm. Cuttle.] 

I W. C. — Good evening fi'iends! Pardon me 
i for calling at this inopportune hour! (Aside.) 
I Yes, my innocent philosophy teaches me, that 
; this is more than fatherly or brotherly love ! 
j I have been thare myself. The old doctor 
I seems to enjoy it ! (Winks.) 
i Rev. P.-D.— Certainly, Mr. Cuttle, but what 
: is the news? 

I W. C. — O, nothing, particular, only I have 
i had a rumpus with that fine woman. Madam 
1 Willard, who gave me particular thunder for 
i imbibing pure grape wine, once in a while; 
I but when the Woman's Christian Temperance 
I Union's Feasts are loaded with too much damn 
I salted herring and spices, I get such a longing 
I for the bottle, that I can't control myself, 
j which is a great weakness in an innocent 
1 philosopher, like myself ! 

S. F.— (Smiles.) I pray you, Mr. Cuttle, to 
think twice before you drink once! 

W. C— (Aside.) Gads! Mr. Cuttle. This 
old Rev. Preacher-Doctor, evidently is instiling 
into Miss Force, balm of Gilead medically 
and theologically ! I wish, I too were a Prea- 
cher-Doctor, wouldn't I buck-up to the beau- 
tiful millionairess? Yum, yum ! 

Rev. P.-D. — Good advice, JMiss Sallie, and 
I hope friend Cuttle will profit by it ! 



ACT 11. 



W. C— Gosh ! I'll tr^ darned hard and 
whatever may happen, Miss Sallie, you may 
always count on me, as a loyal friend to you. 

S. F.— O, thank you, Mr. Cuttle 

W. C. — Why, do you mister me, can't you 
call me friend William, if nothing nearer? 

Rev. P.-D.— Ha! ha! Yes, call him Friend 
Cuttle. 

W. C. — O, damn the Cuttle; beg pardon, I 
have a defect in my speaking trumpet, which 
makes me stumble sometimes over words | 

Rev. P.-D. — But, why do you always stum- j 
ble backward instead of forward? I 

W. C. — I don't understand you, unless you | 
mean that I stumble over you, thereby slide i 
backward in my advances! (Aside to Rev.P.) | 
Say, old boy, how are you stumbling with ' 
Miss Sallie? Forward too damn fast? i 

Rev. P.-D. — What do you mean? 1 

W. C. — O, you sly rogue; you know well ! 
enough! (Points to S. F.) I 

Rev. P.-D. — I don't comprehend your i 
levity. ; 

W. C. — My innocent philosophy Impresses 
me that you are well gone 

S. F. — Gentlemen, you seem to have some 
secret affairs; if so, I will withdraw 

W. C. — No, no, not particularly, and as long 
as two are company and three are a crowd; I 
will take my departure! Hal ha! doctor, doctor 
be moving forward! (Exits.) 

Rev. P.-D. — Mr. Cuttle is an enigma. 

S. F. — He is a very sincerely well meaning 
gentleman with many weak traits in his phil- 
osophic character! ha! ha! 

Rev. P.-D. — Truly, he claims to be quite a 
philosopher; and by the way, true philosophy 
is a very grand thing! 

S. F. — What really is true philosophy? 

Rev. P.-D. — Well, my precious child, I 
distinguish popular or so-called philosophy 
from the true article, thus: — The former, or 
popular, philosophy is speculation over effect 
and cause; while True philosophy is calcula- 
tion over cause and effect! Can you see the 
difference? 

S. F. — Most assuredly I can; how grand the 
calculations of the human mind must be to 
those who can cipher them out. In our Tem- 
perance Cause, I fear, we have too much 
"popular philosophy," like Mr. Cuttle's ! 
This brings to my memory, the disgusting riot 
which we have recently had to witness at our 
house, at the W. C. T. U. festival! (Sad.) 

Rev. P.-D. — Please, be as good as your 
promise 

S. F.— What is it? 

Rev. P.-D. — Not worry over the past; but 
calculate of causes that will improve the race 
in the future! j 

S. F.— Cheerfully, I obey! May I ask what 
love is? 

Rev. P.-D.— True Love is the language of 



I the highest moral faculty, namely: — Love your 
I God with all your mind and soul! and your 
i neighbor as yourself I This platouic love is 
I unalloyed by passion; it is the quintessence of 
; spiritual bliss; the acme of joy; the talismanic 
j force that draws unto it the inspiring essence 
I of heavenly zeal, and the angelic antl seraphic 
I fire that over-looks all faults in others, and 
I intuitively shouts, glory to God in the highest, 
j on earth peace, good will to man ! This love is 
I of God; for God is love, and he that abideth 
; in God, dwelleth in love, and that continually! 
i S. F. — How superbly grand! But how does 

this love differ from the love people have for 

marriage? 
Rev. P.-D. — Precious child! As this true 

love is the language of the soul; so is passion 
; the language of an animal propensity; which 
I when commingled with true love, makes what 
I we should call: Social Love; this is the har- 
i monious blending of Love and Passion! And 

when we fully appreciate and understand the 

faculties and propensities of the temple of God, 

we become fitted for the holy office of marriage. 
S. F. — But, my dear doctor, how few are 

versed in these grand sciences of mind and 

matter? 

Rev. P.-D. — Alas! Blessed one, that is so; 
but we should the more appreciate and value 
those who are so gifted, for with them treasure 
is laid up in heaven ! 

[Bell Rings, Enter Diver.] 

Diver. — Sam Pool, Wm. Cuttle and Dick 
Shaw wish to see you. Miss Sallie. 

S. F. — Tell them that I am engaged and 
can't see them. Let's withdraw from this 
apartment ! (Exit.) 

SCENE 2.— Bar Room, in 3 or 4, Diver, 
bartender; Nancy in Specialties. Rev. P.-D. 
and S. F. in search of P. F., then Dick Shavp 
arising through transformation before the 
audience. W. C, S. P. and company. 


Diver and Nancy in Specialties. 

[Enter Rev. P.-D. and S. F.] 

. Rev. P.-D. — Miss Force wishes to learn, 
her father, Mr. Force is in your house! 

Diver. — No Sir, he is not. 

Rev. P.-D.— Thanks! We had better leave 
here 

S. F.— I think so too. 
Rev. P.-D. transforms.) 

[Enter P. F., W. C, S. P. and Bums.] 

Dick Shaw. — Chums 
our new neighbors! I _ 
skittish folks, which they seem to be! (Drink ^ 
Come boys, drink. 

Pert Force. — Why do you want to terrify 
people? 

D. S.— For that, old fool. (Stabs him.) 

Company. — Ha! ha! ha! 



if 



(S. F. Exits, and 



chums let's horrify 
delight in torturing 



10 ACT II. 

Wm Cuttle (Goes to Pert Force.) Old I hearted scoundrel, she wouldn't have escaped 

fellow ha' ha' ha! you put your foot into it. \ me at our last meeting; when I snatched her 

T-w ci ^r J A, 4. 4.!™ t,„ „„.^^„ i away from her bloody father! ha! ha! I Wish I 

D. S.-l es, ^d the next time he qu zzes | ^ad killed the old devfl, then my chances would 
meonmattersthatdontconcernhm,Il pu 1^^ better. I'll tell you what you must do! 
this dagger mto his vitals to the hilt. Ha! ha! | ^^^^^^ ^^^ ^^^^^^ ^j^^ ^^ >^ ^^^, 

Sam Pool.-Dick S-h-aw, hic, is the bravest j g p _q j^^^.^ j ^^.^^ j ^^, 

man on board! hic. ■ _ „ r^, . , , „ /o,, , , . . .,., x 

n /ou ♦ \ rr„^„^«i, I T,„™oi,i: D. S. — Think you do? (Shakes him terribly) 

Company .-(Shout.) Hurrrah ! hurrah ! | p^^,^ j^^^^^. ^^^^^^ 

hurrah! for Dick Shaw! s a -r. ri » • i t i •» i * u 

TA o / A • J \ o ™ ^1^ i,„„ ^„ r„„o* ^'^ ! S. P. — Certainly; I know it only too well — 
D. S.— (Aside.) Sam, old boy, we must nd : rp. , „ a o r-xr u ^ • % 

ourselves of old Force; I wish I had killed the j D- S.— The hell you do? (More shaking.) 

old varmint, for I must possess his daughter ! I S. P. — Well, well, my dear friend, I am all 

g p Dick you are a brick. j attention, and your most obedient servant; 

T>, o rriu '-i- • 1^ « Jrui. t\.^t -„i i therefore, tell me what to do, and ni do it. 
D. S. — The girl is m love with that fool i _^ „ ' . .,i xt 

Cuttle! '■ D. S. — Of course you will! Now listen; you 

-or ^ Tir, .■,.•, „ ^* Tir™ /^„„.q i go down to old Force's residence in disguise, 

W. C.-^ hat did you say of Wm. Cuttle? ; f^^ j^^^^ j^^^ j ^^^ .^^^ j^.^ ^^^^^ .| ^^^ 

1 am a man of few words, but I ^^^^^^^ ^^ ^^^ ^^^ ^^^^ ^^^ ^^^ ^^jj^ ^^^^^_ 

D. S.— You're a damn fool ! j gred from the little stab I gave him with my 

W. C. — This to me, to me, who has always I tooth-pick! Ha! ha! When I pick his teeth 

borne the name of gentleman and philosopher? ; again with you, (Means dagger,) I'll reach his 
D. S.— Oh! damn your philosophy, and h'ital parts to repletion ! 

take that. (Strikes him.) Come boys, let's go j S. P.— Oh, put that knife away, you are not 

and horrify our new neighbors! (All except j doing me any good by brandishing it in that 

W. C. and P. F. Exit, yelling.) \ fancy style! 

[Enter Sallie Force.] j D. S. — Fool and coward! If you fail to do 

„ „. „ r^u,j * *u u '; my work rightly, I'll send it into your foul 

Salhe Force.-Oh! dear father why are you , ^^^^^ ^^ ^^^-^^l 

here, among these rough people? And you Mr. ; ci ti /» -j vtt . , ,n^ r,- ^ 

Cuttle, would do better by remaining at home 1 ,,S. P.— (Aside.) Heaven! save me! (To him.) 
with your poor dear old heart-broken mother! ; ^ ou d better let me go, I m losing time! 

P. F.— O, Yes, I am sick of this business, i .D. S.— Go then! but remember my tooth- 
(Staggers, after trying to walk and falls.) j P^ck ! 

S. F.— (Sees blood.) Oh! father, who has; S. P.— O, Lord ! (Exit shuddering.) 
done this? ; D. S. — With me, it's blood and torture ! 

W c —My dear, who could do such a foul i Not to myself; O, no, but to others! As for 

act, but Dick Shaw? i love and loving words, I have none of it! I 

ro T? * TV 1 CT, ^ 1 ! ^^ horn under the aspects of Mars, which 

l_Ke-i.nter Dick bhaw.j , g.^^^ ^^ ^^ insatiate desire and delight in the 

X). S. — Who calls my name so rudely? i miseries of others! Sallie Force shall be mine, 

W. C— I hope you will be more circumspect: if I've §ot to dive in blood to my neck! Ha! 
in the presence of a dying man and this lady ! i ha! It is delightful to hold a whole commu- 

Tv o o. » ij* 1 /T ^ ^u: „;^« : nity in awe Ha! ha! ha! My tooth-pick is the 

D. S.— Shut pan, old fool. (Jerks him aside ; ,-^, tt„i u.,, imi 
and takes S. F. toward door.) Tableau. : Doy' Ha! hal ha! 



-,-^^--.^ o /-ii 1. • o T ^ -^*no„„' SCENE 4.— Street Scene. Sam Pool on his 
SCENE 3.-Chamber, in 2, Leader of Gang ; p p . j^ .^ ^j • ^^^^^j^ 

and Bums. D. S. and S. P. conspiring. I ^^ Cuttle 

o ! ■ Q 

Leader of Gang.-Say, chums, didn't we I g^^ Pool.-(Looks at himself.) I guess no 

slmg things, and isn t Dick Shaw a blooming i ^^^ ^^^^^ ^^ .^ ^^.^ ^^^ ^^^.^^ |y ^^^ , 

trump i- Ha! ha! I ^^^^ j ^^ getting to fear and loathe that ac- 

Bums.— Ha! ha! ha! Hurrah! Hurrah for ; cursed fiend, Dick Shaw! He would as lief kill 

Dick Shaw! | me, his best friend, as any one else, if I did 

L. of G.— Let us have a grand old walk j not dance to his fiddling. By gad! I'll bide my 

round and hoe-down ! (Exit right, yelling.) 1 time, if ever I am spared an opportunity to 

™, ^ T~v 1 ou r cj T> 1 1 i punish him, with perfect safety to myself , I'll 

[Enter Dick Shaw & Sam Pool.] j ^^ ^^^ ^.^ '^.^^ ^^^.^^^^ compunction of con- 

D s — Curse that wench, she wont relent, | science, as he does to kill a rat! He has mur- 
but I'll be damned, if I don't skin her alive, if 1 dered over one hundred people to my recoUec- 
she does not come to my terms! i tion, and he gluts over peoples' misery! 

S. P.— (Fawning.) Dick, hadn't vou better i [Enter W. Cuttle.] 

be less severe with her? Use more loving Ian- 1 tt n . o* 

g I Wm. Ctttle.— Hallo! Stranger, can you 

D S.— No; you are a fool! (Jerks him ve- \ inform me where I can find Mr. Sam Pool? 

hemently.) If you hadn't been a chicken- i S. P.— (Aside.) Begad, he does not know 



ACTS II. and III. 



11 



me in this gear. (To him.) "Well no, I don't ! 
know just now, where you can find that hon- 1 
orable gentleman! 1 

W. C. — Yes, O, yes, he is kind of honorable. I 

S. P.— (Aside.) Kind of honorable, hah! I'll 
learn his business. (To him.) If I am not too 
bold, may I ask you your business with Mr. 
Pool? I 

"W. C. — Well, surely, if I were not an inno- 
cent philosopher, I'd say that you were rather 
a suspicious looking customer to take into 
one's confidence? 

S. P. — But sir, pure minded and innocent 
people never judge by appearances; because, 
a saint might be disguised under rough looking 
harness. I am not so bad looking, am I? 

W. C. — No; not exactly. Still my innocent 
philosophy impresses me that you are no saint. 

S. P. — (Aside.) Does he suspect me? Begad 
I must be off. (To him.) Good day! (Exit right) 

W. C— Good day. (Aside.) That's Sam 
Pool, by jingoes. (Exit left.) 



SCENE 5.— Pert Force's Parlors. Enter 
Sam Pool in disguise. Nancy and Dick Shaw. 


Sam Pool. — (Steals.) This may do to pawn 
for a shilling, and this for a couple of dollars. 
Dick Shaw, makes me do all his dirty work 
of late years without pay, so I must help my- 
self, when I am on missions of mercy for his 
holiness! Ha! ha! where there is a good will, 
there is always a way, and this is my way. 
(Pockets things.) I must get outside and knock 
at the door as I hear some one coming. (Exit.) 

[Enter Nancy. S. P. knocks.] 

Nancy. — Come in. I guess it's Diver. 

[Enter Sam Pool.] 

S. P. — Good morning young woman. 
(Aside.) Begad, but she is beautiful, I wonder 
who she is? If I were young now, wouldn't 
I buck up to her? Begad f 11 try my luck 
any how. 

N. — Sir, what do you wish? 

S. P.— Ahem! (Clearing his throat.) Well 
]Miss, I don't mind telling a sweet lass like 
yourself, what I want! (Goes and embraces 
her.) 

N. — (Screams.) A-a-ah! 

S. P.— Oh! don't do that! 

N. — Who do you wish to see? 

S. P. — I have business with Mr. Force, is 
he home? 

N. — No sir; he is not, and wont be for a 
day or two. 

S. P. — (Aside.) One point gained. (To her.) 
Is Miss Force at home? 

N. — No sir; she is out. 

Wm. Cuttle. — (Peeps at door. Aside.) I'll 
see what that rascal is after, nothing good, I 
warrant! Some dirty scheming in behalf of 
Dick Shaw, I'll bet! 



S. P.— When will she return home? 

N. — In about an hour. 

S. P. — Do you know where I can see Mr, 
Force to-day or to-morrow? 

N.— In Boston. 

S. P. — (Aside. Cuttle hears him.) Ah! he is 
far enough away from home to give Dick a 
free foot for at least twenty-four hours 

W. C. — (Aside.) Not while I am about, old 
villain. 

S. P. — Well, my sweet lass, as long as you 
are alone in this place, permit me to keep you 
company! (Tries to embrace her.) 

N. — (Saucy.) Leave me, or I'll call the men. 

S. P. — (Aside.) The men! I wonder if she 
is lying, or can there be any men about? 
(Looks around.) 

W. C. — (Aside.) You'll find out pretty soon 
if you persist in your deviltry ! 

N. — Let me go, or I'll call for help, 

S. P. — (Grabs her.) Call and be darned; 
but you know well enough that no one is near 
at hand. 

[Enter Wm. Cuttle.] 

W. C. — (Dashes him aside.) Yes, there is, 
Mr. Sam Pool, take that, old villain! 

N.— (Runs to C.) Oh! thank you, Mr. 
Cuttle ! 

[Enter Dick Shaw.] 

Dick Shaw. — (Tears Cuttle away and stabs 
him.) Take that, villain and die! (Sees S. P.) 
All right, old boy! 

N. — (Screams.) Help! murder! help] 

D. S. — (Grabs and runs her up the stage.) 
Stop your noise, or I'll run you through ! 
(Changes to Rev. Preacher-Doctor.) 

Company. — (Behind the scenes sing a very 
solemn dirge.) Grand Tableau. 



ACT III. 

SCENE 1.— Pert Force's Parlors, in 3 or 4, 
Pert Force, Sam Pool and Wm. Cuttle, dis- 
covered; drinking hilariously. Sallie Force, 
Rev. P.-D., Mad. Willard, Woman's Chris 
tian Temperance Union, Leader of Gang and 
Bums. 

Pert Force. — Ilic, Ge-ntlemeu, some of us 
c-come near, hie, dying of the stabs, hie, 
(drinks,) of Dick Shaw; but, he is a b-ul-ly 
b-oy. Is-n't he, S-sam my boy; hie? 

Sam Pool. — Bust me i-i-if he isn't! (Feels 
sick at stomach.) 

Wm. Cuttle.— (Only half drunk.) I tell you 
fellows, my innocent philosophy teaches me — 

S. P. — O, d-d-amn, hie, your philosophy. 

W. C. — Sam Pool you are a drunken fool 
and hypocrite 

S. P. — (Jumps up mad, rants comically.) 
It's a-a cussed lie; I-I d-despise the W. C. T. 
Union hypocrites, hie, and I-I'll b-bust t-the 
snood of any f-fool that s-says it. 



12 



ACT III 



P. F. — B-Boys have re-respect for the host 
of this pal-palace 

W. C. — I said, you were a hypocrite, be- 
cause, you acted so pleasant in the presence 
of the members of the Woman's Christian 
Temperance Union, then when your dirty back 
was turned, you were telling every body, how 
you had them pray for your redemption from 
rum and sin; l)ut you swore the more and 
drank the harder 

P. F.— Ha! ha! So you did; ha! ha! that 
was good. Come, taste my grape wine. (Drink) 
Come, William don't be uncivil! Sallie made 
this wine and you love my Sal-Sal-vation ! Ha! 
ha! I come damn near get-geting religion just 
then (All drink.) 

[Sallie Force overhears them.] 

W. C. — My in-innocent philosophy im-im- 
pre.ssess me, that re-religion would .starve, if-f 
you were to be its food ! 

S. P. — Hie, hie, ha! ha! b-by Sal-salvation 

arm-my that's s-so 

[Enter Sallie Force.] 

S. F. — (Indignant and tragic.) Well, you 
are the trinity of the infernal regions ! I would 
like to send you to prison for life. Look at 
yourselves 

S. P., P. F., W. C— (Sieschlcss, look at 
each other comically.) 

S. F.— Aren't you a precious set of loafers? 
And you, Mr. Cuttle, are a grand philosopher; 
innocent as a drunken beast 

W. C— P-Please, Miss Sal-Sallie, d-don't 
scold your old, hie, friend; but I have b-been 
eating too damned much salt-herring ag-gain 
last night at the Old AVoman's Christian 'Tem- 
perance Union supper. You women will poi- 
son our food, and create in us the ap-i^etite, 
then if we take the an-antidote you scold 

P. F, & S. P.— Ha! ha! An-anecdote, hie, is 
good; ha! ha! anec-ec-dote. 

W. C. — Anti-ti-dote, not an-ec-dote, you 
unphilosophic boobies! 

S. F. — Shut-up, the whole of you and leave 
MY house 

P. F. — Your house; cur-curse you-u, who-o 
am I, I, I ? 

S. F. — A drunken loafer and bankrupt ! 

P. F. — (Strikes her to floor.) You are a liar. 
(Falls himself head over ears.) 

S. P. & W. C— Ha! ha! Let's take some of 
Sal-salvation grape wine! (Drink.) 

S. F. — (Drags her father into another room.) 
You are my father, and as such I shall care 
for you until death ! 

S. P. & W. C. — (Discover the absence of 
Mr. and Miss Force.) Hel-hell-hello! Where 
are o-our host-hostess and host-t-ter? 

[Re-Enter Sallie Force.] 

S. F. — Mr. Cuttle you had better leave with 
your dninken chum. 
S. P. — Sal-vation Sal-lie, aren't you m-my 



be-betrothed w-wife? (Grabs and holds her.) 
S. F.— No ! (Struggles.) 
[Enter Rev. P.-D. and Madam Willard.] 

Rev. P.-D. — (Dashes Sam Pool away.) Vil- 
lain, stand aside! My poor, persecuted child, 
you shall be protected hereafter! 

Mad. W.— Well, well, Mr. Cuttle, you are 
a co-laborer in Satan's vineyard. Aren't you 
ashamed of yourself? Go away from me 

W. C. — As I hope for peace, my innocent 
philosophy proves to me that your food ; yes, 
your cursed salted herring and ham-sandwich- 
es give me the thirsl, then I must drink wine 
or .schnapps of some sort as a medicine, or I 
feel unmanned, and j^ou wouldn't have your 
faithful lover in that condition! 

jSIad. W. — Pshaw! You are hereafter be- 
neath my notice, therefore your absence is 
preferable to your presence 

W. C. — I will reform. (Goes to wine bottle.) 

Mad. W. — (Snatches it away.) Leave. 

[Exit Sam Pool and W. Cuttle, shouting.] 

S. P. & W. C— Hurrah! Hurrah for Dick 
Shaw. 

Rev. P.-D. — This truly, is a sorry state of 
affairs, but as long as .seasoned and medicated 
food creates the appetite for rum, and temper- 
ate doses are prescribed bj' doctors, and are 
taken in high social circles, as also at the 
Communion Table, so long will drunkards be 
made, and the Temperance Cause, and Pro- 
hibition must take back seats! Remove the 
cause of an evil and the effects will cease. 
Dear friends, wont you join the "Order of 
Naturalists," and assist in staying the appetite 
for this soul and body destrojing stuff, when 
very soon the millennial dawn will appear ! 

S. F. — (Charmed.) Amen! Dear doctor, 
you can count upon my money, influence, 
mind and strength. 

Mad. W.— Ditto, here! (Exits.) 

[Enter L. of Gang and Bums.] 

L. of G. — There she is, go grab and carry 
her away, this is Dick Shaw's house, and we 
shall clear the coast! 

Bums. — (Rush for her.) 

Rev. P.-D.— Hold ! Now do I draw the 

circle of the church of God around her, step 

but one foot within that circle, and I will 

launch the curse of heaven and hell upon you ! 

Tableau ! 



SCENE 3,— Chamber, in 2. Enter Madam 
Willard and Wm. Cuttle. Rev. P.-D. and S. 
Force. Diver and Nancy. Bums shout without. 
o 

Mad. W. — Well, Mr. Cuttle, your promises 
of reform have been so many, and so easily 
broken, that I cannot trust in you any more. 

W. C. — I vow, dear one, that I will, here 
on my bended knee, swear off 



ACTS III. and IV. 



13 



Mad. W. — For how long a time? ; 

W. C. — On one condition, forever! 1 

]\rad. W. — Name your condition. | 

W. C. — That you, bigoted women, will ; 
reform your cooking; and leave salt and spices 1 
out of the victuals which you set before us ! ; 

Mad. W. — I have promised Rev. Preacher- ; 
Doctor that, and you know when I make a \ 
promise I keep it; but it is very, very hard to i 
stop using salt, peppers and spices ; 

W. C. — No harder than for me to stop ; 
drinking, when your medicated food makes I 
me look intuitively into the rum bottle. ; 

Mad. W. — You have caught me in my own i 
net, and I forgive you ! j 

W. C. — (Embraces her.) Hurrah for a good, ; 
honest woman and my innocent philosophy ! ; 

[Enter Rev. P.-D. and Sallie Force.] 

Rev. P.-D.— (Aside to S. F.) Behold; re- 
demption and cupid on the wing! (To them.) ; 
Pardon, our intrusion, but never mind us, we J 
have a little weakness ourselves that way. ; 
(Hugs her.) I 

S. F. — Doctor, you make me blush! 

Mad. AV. — Ha! ha! you are quite old enough 
my dear little lady to blush ! 

W. C. — And my innocent philosophy, 
makes even myself color in the blushing place. 

Company.— (All laugh.) Ha! ha! ha! 

Rev. P.-D.— Truly, Mr. Cuttle, I have seen 
you go through that blushing business before! 

Mad. W. — Don't hurt my "innocent phi- 
losopher's" feelings. He has taken a solemn 
oath not to imbibe the stuff of sin again 

W. C. — Yes, on one condition! 

Rev. P.-D. — Ha! ha! I suppose that condi- 
tion is marriage! 

AY. C. — Dear Doctor, you suppose wrongly. 
But it is to stop our cooks from feeding us on 
appetite-creating seasonings. 

Rev. P.-D. — Heaven be praised for this 
work, now the temperance movement will 
soon be founded upon the rock of ages! 

[Enter Diver and Nancy as Specialties.] 

Rev. P.-D. — AA^e welcome you in our midst 
on this auspicious moment; but to divert our 
minds from the monotony of life's toils and 
struggles, give us some rational entertainment! 
Diver & Nancy. — (5 to 10 minutes.) 
Bums. — (AVithout shout.) Hurrah! Hurrah 
for Dick Shaw ! 

[Exit Diver & Nancy.] 

Rev. P.-D. — This man-fiend, Dick ShaAv, is 
more to be dreaded than a pestilence. He has 
grown rich, and owns these premises, so he 
claims; and satan and mammon are legion at 
this artificial and sinful age! Nothing, it seems, 
but death can stay the powder of such fiendish- 
ness. Dick Shaw, is not so much a drunkard, 
as a terror to all people! He controls the mob, 
who is greatly in the majority, and as you all 
know, he stabs any one who comes into his 



path; and with his dagger and wealth he 
wheedles an influence that is appalling! AVhat 
a pity that some one does not turn on him and 
thereby send him to his grave ! This may be 
unbecoming to a man who holds the position 
of teacher and doctor; but, may heaven pardon 
me, I would like to have him as a patient, I 
would issue daily quack bulletins, and treat 
him allopathically, which would be sure death ! 

AY. C. — Hurrah, for that; now friends my 
innocent philosophy may find a way to give 
this fiend of fiends the eternal quietus; further, 
deponent sayeth not ! 

Rev. P.-D. — Let us have a Song. 
[Enter Salvation Army.] 
SONG AND CHORUS. 



(Tune. — In the sweet by-and-by.) 

1. Good friends we have given you ha, ha ! 
The language of the fiendish Dick Shaw; 

Now we think he had better ta, ta! 
And go to his hen-roost in the sky. 
Chorus. — 
In the sweet by-and-by, 

AVe'Il see him peeping out from the sky; 
In the sweet by-and-by, 

AVe'll see him peeping out from the sky. 

2. If the Preacher-Doctor will kill him, 
AVith sucli drugs as M. D's do prescribe! 

Then the world will be rid of this kingj 

And the AV. C. T. Union might sing 

Chorus. — (As above.) 

3. AYe'U have a piece of sweet gospel-pie, 
As we visit our Dick in the .sky! 

And the sisters will stop using salt; 
Making all men a temperance crowd! 
Chorus. — (As above.) Tableau. 



ACT lA^ 

SCENE 1.— Pert Force's Parlor. Dick 
Shaw and Sallie Force, Enter. Sam Pool. 



Dick Shaw.— AYell lass, AYra. Cuttle, the 
Innocent Philosopher is dead, and as you 
loved him while he lived, but cannot love a 
dead man! I think, if you know what is good 
for you, you had better love me ! 

Sallie Force. — (Aside.) Great heaven, this 
fiend is ready to mwrder every one who oppo- 
ses him. (To him.) Give me time to consider 
this matter. (Trembles.) 

D. S. — A\^hy do you tremble, lass, and why 
do you want time for consideration? 

S. F. — Because, I should like to consult my 
father first. 

D. S. — (Aside.) Curse that father, he will 
oppose my game; but I'll send him to glory 
before he gets home from Boston. (To her.) 
AVell, yes, but your father has a grudge at me, 
on account of that little fuss we had in Mr. 
Diver's bar-room. 

S. F. — But father is very indulgent to me — 

D. g._'\Yell, yes; he may be to you, but you 



14 



ACT IV. 



are not me! Now look here, lass, I will give ; 
you time to consider this matter until tomor- \ 
row or next day; but, if you or your father ; 
go back on me, I'll pick your teeth with this ! 
fevorite tooth-pick of mine! Mark me! 

S. F.— (Aside.) Oh! dear William Cuttle, ; 
if you were only living 

D. S. — What are you mumbling? I am i 
going now, but remember your promise and ; 
my vow! Good evening! (Exits.) 

S. F.^0, great heaven, what shall I do? ; 
Father is away from home, and may not re- ; 
turn for a week, and dear William is murdered I 
by the hands of this fiend! O, Oh! (Weeps.) \ 

[Enter Sam Pool.] \ 

Sam Pool. — Miss Force, are you alone? 

S. F.— (Aside.) What shall I say? Does he I 
want to insult me, or what may he want? I : 
fear him. (To him.) What's that to you? i 

S. P. — It is not much to me! But it maybe ; 

a great deal to you 

. S. F.— How so? (Defiantly.) 

S. P.— Well, your conduct to me may save ; 
your life! 

S. F.— (Aside.) The old scoundrel. Dick i 
Shaw has sent him to learn some thing for ; 
his benefit. (To him.) Mr. Shaw has sent you, 1 
I suppose ! 

S. P. — No Miss! I swear by my life, that 
he has not, but ; 

S. F.— But what? i 

S. P. — I came of my own accord this time, 
to save your precious life ! Only swear that 
you wont betray me ! 

S. F. — I swear I wont betray you, if you 
mean what you say. 

S. P. — Mean it! Yes, as I am an old sinner 
and hope for heaven, I mean it. 

S. F. — I believe you! Now speak quickly — 

S. P. — (Looks around.) Sure, there is no 
one .to over-hear us? 

S. F. — Indeed, I am sure, so go on. 

8. P. — Pardon me, when I tell you that I 
have for years been a confederate of Dick 
Shaw's, and whilst I have done his dirty work, 
I have never yet murdered any one 

S. F. — Well, well, why do you relate what 
every body knows, tell me at once what you 
came here for 

S. P. — I will, but give me time! 

S. F. — Hurry up. 

S. P. — Listen, then, Dick Shaw swears, 
that unless you voluntarily become his wife, 
he will compel you, if he must dive in blood 
to his neck ! You know that he is a perfect 
fiend; and every body is afraid of him; even 
the public ofiicers dare not enforce the law on 
him. 

S. F. — But, how can this save my life? 

S. P. — Wait a moment, and I'll tell you. 
He intends to murder your father this very 
night, and afterwards \isit you and compel 



you to become his wife. Now, forewarned is 
forearmed, therefore be well armed, when he 
visits you, and stab him, or shoot or slug him, 
the first opportunity you get. I will be near 
you, or may be I can persuade him to have me 
accompany him when he visits you ; if he does, 
I'll pretend to be your enemy, thereby throw 
him off his guard 

S. F.— (Terribly agitated.) Oh! heaven, 
how can I save myself and father? 

S. P. — Keep cool now, and think clearly, 
or you'll miss your mark! I will see what I can 
do to save you both; now I must be off. Good 
by, and may heaven protect you! (Exit.) 

S. F.— O, Oh! I must be cool ! (Faints.) 
Tableau. 



SCENE 2.— Kitchen, in 2 or 3. Nancy and 
Diver making love and song. Wm. Cuttle and 
Pert Force, latter drunk. L. of G. and Bums. 


Diver. — Darling Nancy, I am delighted to 
see you look so beautiful, but you seem to be 
unhappy, why is this thus? 

Nancy. — Well, mine tear Harry, you dose 
known wat drouble we half on accound off 
dem fend, Dick Schaw; so you cannod plame 
mineself fur been down-heartet! 

D. — Never mind Dick Shaw now! I know 
he is a naughty boy, but there is no use for us 
poor people to bother our brains and spoil our 
fun on account of the acts of the rich, who 
care nothing for us, unless they can use us for 
the enhancement of their own pleasures ! 
Aren't that so? 

N. — Harry mine tear, you wash ride-avey 
ride; so led us half one leedle sung. 

D. — All right. (Embraces her. Song.) 
[Enter Wm. Cuttle & Pert Force.] 

W. C. — Now, (Trying to keep P. F. on his 
feet.) Mr. Force, I don't blame any man for 
getting on a bust, hie, once in a while; but to 
get dead drunk, is damned beastly; and some 
of these days, Dick Shaw, will cut you to the 
gizzard and kill you! Mr. Diver, bring me 
some, hie, soda water to sober up this bank- 
rupt millionaire! 

D. — Nancy, run to the pantry and get the. 
wash soda, and I'll fix up a dose. 

N. — (Runs out and in.) Here id ish. 

D. — (Mixes comically with water.) Let's 
make him swallow it quickly ! 

W. C. — I will hold him, you jam his jaws 
apart and I'll pour it into his big mouth! 
CThey struggle comically.) 

P. F. — (Swallows and it sickens him.) Oh! 
O, Dick, D-i-ick don't stab m-me to death, I- 
I-I will re-repent ! 
I W. C. — My innocent philosophy tells me 

that he will instanter revive 

I D. — (Strokes his forehead.) Mr. Force, how 

I do you feel? 

I P. F.— B-B-Better, thank you-u! 



ACT IV. 



W. C. — I am glad that yovi are awake from i 
rum again; now don't make a beast of yourself ; 
again, or I wont exercise my innocent pliilos- 1 
ophy on you \ 

P. F. — Gads! You sicken me by your damn ; 

innocent philosophy, for I wont hear it; be- ; 

cause I am a gentleman of wealth and leisure. 1 
W. C. & Diver.— Ha! ha! ha! i 

Nancy. — Ser, dat dimes wash gone py. Ha! • 
W. C— I should think so ! ; 

[Enter L. of G. & Bums, yelling.] ; 

W. C. — What do you want here, leave us? | 
D. & N. — Come away. (Exit screaming.) j 
W. C, P. F. & Bums.— (End scene in a ; 

tei'ritic fight !) Tableau. 1 

SCENE 3.— Street Scene. Dick Shaw and 
Sam Pool after Pert Force; when he returns 
from Boston. Bums & L. of G. as passengers. 
o 

Dick Shaw. — Sam, old boy, we must wait 
here, until the train comes in from Boston! I 
have telegraphed to Pert Force in an assumed 
name and pretended business of importance, 
when he answered, that he would return in 
this, night, train! 

Sam Pool. — Well, Dick, what if he does? 

D. S. — Fool, don't be feigning ignorance, 
that wont go with me 

S. P. — Ignorance to you; do you suppose 
I know all your thoughts? Say the woixi and 
I am with you. 

D. S. — (Brandishing dirk.) I thought so ! 
Isn't this a fine tooth-pick? 

S. P.— Oh! Yes, certainly it is! What do 
you propose to do with it? 

D. S. — Send it into Pert Force's heart, of 
course! 

S. P.— (Shudders.) When? 

D. S. — To-night, to-be-sure. 

S. P. — Where and why? 

D. S. — Here, as he passes, and for the first 
reason, that I want him out of my way, and 
for my second, that to gratify my love of tor- 
turing and killing such fools as he ! 

S. P.— But, remember, Dick, that he is Miss 
Sallie Force's father 

D. S.— As if I did not know that! You seem 
to be a friend to these people! Have a care, 
or I'll pick your rotten teeth! (Terrible action) 

S p._( Aside.) Great Mars! I cannot pre- 
vent him from carrying out his fiendish work; 
and to throw him off his guard, and save Miss 
Sallie, I must become accessory in the murder 
of her father, or both may die! (To him.) 
Well, well, Dick, what can I do to finish this 
business safely and quickly? 

D. S. — Ah! I thought you'd come to your 
senses, old fool! This tooth-pick of mine is a 
better'reminder of duty, than dollars, cents or 
anything else. (Flourishing dirk.) Don't you 
think so, Sam, my boy? 



S. P.— (Aside.) I'll show you by and by! 
(To him.) Ha! ha! ha! of course. 

[Enter Pa.ssengers & Pert Force.] 

D. S. — You go and detain the old father of 
our heroine, until the other passengers have 
gone out of sight! (Hides behind the scenes.) 

S. P.— Mr. Force I believe? 

P. F. — Yes sir, that's my name. Yv'hat do 
you desire? 

S. P.^ — There is a gentleman over the way, 
who wants to say a v/ord to you! 

P. F. — Who is it? I do not propcse to be 
stopped dy night brawlers. 

[Enter Dick Shaw.] 

D. S.— (Stabs him.) Take that old dotard ! 
(Exit D. S. & S. P., right.) 

P. F.— (Falls left center and dies.) Oh! 
heaven, stabbed, and by Dick Shaw! 

[Re-Enter, Dick Shaw, Sam Pool & Bums, 
forming a semi -circle around Pert Force.) 

D. S. — A man, intoxicated; no, no, dead. 

Oh! .some foul fiend has murdered him! O, O! 

Friends, take him up and carry him safely 

along, and break the news gently to his family, 

family ! family ! ! 

Bums. — (Carry Pert Force ofi, on a run.) 
D. S. — (Yells and runs.) Safely out of my 

way! (Exit all on a run for life.) 



SCENE 4.— Pert Force's Parlors. Sallie 
Force, Wm. Cuttle, Sam Pool et Dick Shaw. 
o 

W. C. — Jliss Sallie, I have had a conference 
with Sam Pool about killing Dick Shaw, the 
first opportunity that he will get; and while 
Sam Pool is the confederate of Dick Shaw, he 
says, that Dick is getting too rough and severe 
on him, and he will redeem himself , and make 
reparation for the injury he has assisted in 
doing unto you 

S. F. — (Awfully nervous.) But, Sam Pool, 
can't be tru.sted any more than Dick Shaw. 

W. C. — You trust to my innocent philoso- 
phy and be cool ! (Exit.) 

S. F. — Why, O, why, don't father come I 
The Express Train has arrived an hour ago; 
and he said, he'd be home for certain! Heav- 
en! I just remember, what Sam Pool has told 
me! Oh! ye powers above, protect my poor,, 
old father! But I am afraid that Dic"k Shaw 
has executed his fiendish purposes! (3Ieditates) 
But Sam Pool told me that he would save my 
father! Horror! horror! he may have proved 
as false as Dick Shaw! Oh! what can I do? 
I hear footsteps. It is dear father, I thought 
he would come! And yet I was almost scared 
to distraction ! (Listens.) I hear two walk; he 
has brought some one with him! 

S. P.— (Knocks.) 

S. F. — Great heaven, a knock! 

[Enter Sam Pool & Dick Shaw.] 



16 



ACTS IV. and V. 



S. F. — Oil! heaven, protect me ! Father ! i 

S. P.— (Aside.) Be cool and prepare your i 
weapon. (To Dick.) Our hostess seems to be j 
scared! Ha! ha! ha! \ 

D. S.— (Goes to her.) Why, bird, what's! 
the matter? We are your best friends! Aren'tj 
we Sam? i 

S. P.— Of course we are! (Aside.) Damn i 
me, if I aren't, and you'll get your desserts or i 
I am no man! 

D. S. — Come, lass, and sit down and let's \ 
have a good old fashioned talk! j 

S. F. — But what do you wish me to talk \ 
about? I am worried, because I expected dear \ 
father home by the night train, aud it is now \ 
long past eleven o'clock, and he is not here ! | 
I believe the train is due at depot by ten o'clock. \ 

O. S. — Yes, that's the hour! (Meditates.) i 
But he will come to-morrow. \ 

S. F. — I am sorry for that ! 

D. S. — Sorry! (Returns to fierceness.) Why i 
shoiUd you be sorry, when I am with you? 
Sam, leave us for a moment. Go out there! 

S. F. — Let him go in here, if he must go! 

D. S. — Would you have him remain while 
we carry on our private conversation? 

S. F. — Certainly, I have no scruples to let 
him liear all that may be said. 

D. S. — You can stay then. 

S. F. — There is a chair. (Points back of her.) 

D. S. — Now, Miss Force, to business; I 
have come to ask you, if you will consent to 
be mine? Your old lover is dead ! 

S. F._(giglis.) Ah! yes! 

S. P. — (Aside.) And I wouldn't give much 
for your life or tooth-pick after to-night. 

D. S.— ^Yliy do you sigh? 

S. F. — To think of poor, dear William! 

D. S.— (Jumps up.) Curse him and his 
memory! I'll let you know that I wont have 
any more of your whining about that fool 
Ciittle! (Grabs her.) Now, swear that you'll 
be mine, aud that you will banish all thoughts 
of Bill Cuttle, or I'll send this dagger into 
your heart to the hilt ! 

S. P. — (Quickly whispers to her.) Be cool, 
and when I say: Now; strike for his heart, for 
lie has murdered your father not an hour ago. 

D. S. — Why don't you answer me? 
Answer, I say ! 

S. P. — (Runs to right side and catches 
Dick's arm.) Now, Miss Sallie! 

S. F. — (Stabs him in the back.) This is my 
answer ! 

DEATH OF DICK SHAW! 

Tableau. 



ACT V. 

SCENE 1.— Pert Force's Parlors. Diver 
and Nancy, discovered. Mad. Willard and 
Wm. Cuttle. Rev. P.-D. and Sallie Force. 
W. C. T. U. and Salvation Army. 
o 

Diver. — (Jealous.) Nans, I saw you flirt 
with that young dude, Joe Wilson! Why 
don't you marry him? 

Nancy. — (Mad.) Dat wash a lie; und you 
knows id. You only wash chellous. Ha! ha! 
Poor poy. (Goes lovingly to him.) 

D. — Go away, I am mad, and wont be called 
a liar one moment, then be coaxed the next 
minute to make up and kiss you? 

N. — Keiss me! Ha! hah, dose you dink I 
vants to keiss you? 

D. — Yes you do! 

N. — No, I dosent. 

D. — Why do you lallagag around me in 
that manner? (Imitates her.) 

N. — I dident lallacack arount you. (Cries.) 
You consult me ! 

D. — (Goes to pet her.) 

N. — Go avay, I hades you worse dan one 

green toad! You Irish 

; D. — Ta! ta, my sweetness, don't call me, 

; Irish; because, I am Dutch 

I N.— (Mouths at him.) Yes, you was nod 
I half good anough to be Dutch. Ferdomden 
i spitzboob! 

i D. — (Teases her.) Yaw, I wash one deitzer. 
j N.— One liar. 

i D.— Ta! ta 

i N. — Ta! da; do rutznause ! 
i D. — What kind of a nause? 

i N. — Dirdy nose (Slaps him on nose.) 

i D.— You little devil. (Mad, holds her hands) 
I N. — Led go me, or I vill spid on your nose. 
I D. — Don't you dare to do that, you mean 

i little minx 

j N. — (Gets hand loose, slaps'him.) Took dat, 
i mine fine chentlemans. 

i D. — You are no lady 

i N. — Wat wash I den? One mix? 

I D. — Not a mix; but a minx 

I N. — I gose und dells mine mistress 

I J) — (Catches her.) Don't go, I am sorry 
i for fighting with my sweet little dutch girl; 
i but they say, true love never runs smooth ! 
I N. — (Smiles.) Dose you mean id? 
I D. — (Kisses her.) Yum, yum, of course I do. 
1 N, — Dis wash bedter than fide mineself . 
i D.— To-be-sure it is! (More hugs and kisses.) 
I jsr. — I wash nod one mix? (Smiles quizical.) 
i D. — No, no, you are a sweet, sweet sugar- 
ilump! (Caresses her.) 

I ]v^_ — (Suspicious.) You dose nod fool mid 
\ mineself, dose you? 



ACT V. 



17 



D.— Do you call this fooling? (Hugs her.) 
N. — Yaw, dis wash mix. (Throws arms 
around him.) 

[Enter Mad. Willard & Wm. Cuttle.) 

Mad. ^Y. — (Aside.) Blessed philosopher, 
look at that 

W. C— That looks good. (Hugs her.) What 
say you ? 

Mad. W.— O, Mr. Cuttle! It feels kind of 
good, coming, as it does, from an "innocent 
philosopher," like you 

W. C. — It is better than lager beer. Don't 
you think so? 

]\Iad. W. — It is, indeed! (Embraces him.) 
Don't you enjoy it more? 

W. C. — Well, yes, and it is as infectious as 
treating. (Motions toward lovers.) 

D. — It is nice to be alone together 

N. — You wash nod aloan. (Pushes him off.) 

D.— Hold still 

N. — Somepoty am acomen 

W. C. — No, you don't hear somebody 
coming, but we are here ! 

jST. — (Screams.) Ah! Led mineself go. (Mad.) 

D. — Never mind them, I saw them do the 
same thing 

Mad. W. — I am astoni.shed at you, Mr. Di- 
ver, making such a remark! 

W. C. — My innocent philosophy compels 
me to tell the truth ! 

D. — Mr. Cuttle, she wants more. You give 
it to her, this way. (Kisses and hugs Nancy.) 

j\Iad. W. — I don't allow such liberties? 

D. — My "Innocent Philosophy" tells me 
that true lovers can't take any liberties. 

Company. — Ha! ha! ha! 

[Enter Rev. P.-D. and Sallie Force.] 

Rev. P.-D. — Good evening friends! You 
seem to be happy ! 

[Enter W. C. T. U. Ladies & Gents.] 

Mad. W.— Truly, Dear Doctor, what should 
prevent it? Here come our co-laborers. 

Rev. P.-D. — We have great cause for grati- 
tute, at the results of our struggles with the 
monster — rum! The AV. C. T. U., have made 
the necessary concessions to science and phys- 
iological law! 

W. C. T. U.— (Applaud.) Hear! hear! 

Rev. P.-D. — Yes, they have been convinced 
that salted and seasoned food makes the ap- 
petite for rum; and they also have learned that 
hunger should be the only relish; hence, have 
become rigid "Health Reformers of Body and 
Soul." Moderate drinking in high Social 
Circles has likewise been abolished and is now 
odious! Wine at the Christian Communion 
Table is among the relicks of baser customs! 
Dick Shaw is dead, and Miss Sallie Force has 
been re-instated into her old quarters, and her 
father's property has been restored to her ! 
[Enter Sara Pool, Redeemed.] 



Company.— Hear! hear! hear! (Applaud.) 
I Rev. P.-D.— ]\Ioreover, Mr. Samuel Pool, 
i has been fully redeemed, although by his 
!■ dissipation he "has lost his lady-love; but we 
; all welcome you into our midst as the purified 
I from the sin of rumdom ! 
I Corap.— (Applaud.) 

: Sam Pool. — My everlasting thanks are di;e 
to you, beloved friends: and although, I have 
lost my formerly betrothed wife, I am never- 
theless doubly rejoiced at the glorious turn 
things have taken, and I hope to be as arduous 
and enthusiastic in well-doing, in the future, 
as I have been when the confederate of Dick 
Shaw, with whose character and acts you are 
all familiar ! 
Comp. — (Terrific Applause.) 
Rev. P.-D. — This is an age of Scientific 
progress in all the material Arts and Sciences, 
and should not the "Theatrical Stage" become 
the educator of the masses of mankind, and 
show "Nature's path, and mad opinions leave; 
all states can reach it, and all heads conceive; 
obvious her goods, in no extreme they dwell; 
there needs but thinking right, and meaning- 
well! Come then, my friend, (To Sam Pool,) 
my genius come along! Oh! master of the poet 
and the song; and while the muse now stoops 
or now ascends, teach me like thee, in various 
nature wise; that virtue only makes us liliss 
below, and all our knowledge is ourselves to 
know!" 

Comp.— (Gigantic Applause.) 
Rev. P.-D. — Let us render thanks in Song. 
[Enter Salvation Army.] 

SONG AND CHORUS. 

(Tune. — John Brown's body lies, &c.) 

1. Dick Shaw's body lies mouldering in the 

clay. (Repeat 3 times.) 
As we have sent him down ! 
Glory, glory hallelujah! (Repeat 8 times.) 
As we have sent him down ! 

2. Sam Pool's ains are forgiv'n while on earth. 
Because he's redeemed from rum ! 

Chorus. — 

As he goes marching on ! 

3. Sallie Force is the blessed one! 
Having given up making wine. 

Chorus. — 
She and doc. are getting on fine! 

4. Hurrah ! now for the Preacher-Doctor! 
As he has won the war! 

Chorus. — 
And his Science lifts us up. 

5. We love the sisters of the temprance cause! 
As they have loved us first. 

Chorus. — 
AVe'd love to hug them all I 

6. Now the Bums and Saints in glory stand ! 
As we all go marching on ! 

Chorus. — 
In union we find our strength ! 

THE END. 



LIBRftRY OF CONGRESS 



016 103 868 44 



